I broke – I knew it was coming; I even waited for it… I wanted it to come, I just couldn’t let myself really break down before now…
I didn’t realize that I knew how to cry like that, out loud and from deep inside my soul… I cried as if someone close to me had died. I cried for myself, my body, my femininity…
I screamed so loud that I could hear my own voice bounce against the window and eco back at me. I screamed from my gut about how unlucky I was, I screamed and punched the wheel angry at the emotional strain I had now placed on my family, my friends, my beloved husband…
Why did they deserve this? Why did I deserve this? Why??
What is God trying to tell me? What have I done wrong?
I told myself that it was OK to cry, that now was the time… ‘get it out’ I told myself… I looked right and left, locked in my car like I was locked in this horrible situation… sobbing… Finally, slowly, I calmed down.
I turned on the air conditioning, full blast, and felt it dry my tears, felt myself being cleansed. Slowly I caught my breath…
OK. I broke down, it’s allowed. But no more!
Now I fight… It’s a war. Crying won’t do any good.
I sit in the car, alive, breathing. I have an amazing husband and a wonderful family. A son… I could have been run over by a car, I could have died in an accident, or been paralyzed….
But I’m not. I’m alive. And I will win over this shitty disease that has decided to settle in my body!
I really have no reason to cry, there are people who are much worse off than I am. I am strong and I’m surrounded by strong soldiers – they will help me. I wiped my tears and took a deep breath.
I went home feeling encouraged and much stronger. Everything will be OK.
Tomorrow is a new day and I have plenty to wake up to.