Ignorance does not absolve…
True, the examination was painful, but the feeling was that I am having an out of body experience…as if my body is there, but my consciousness is floating above and looking down at me… because really, this isn’t happening. I am healthy. I have no family history. I eat healthily. I breastfed my son for over a year. I don’t go in the sun. I’m not in the risk group – this cannot be happening to me!
They’ll end up finding that I have a rare type of lump that looks like cancer, but is actually a cyst.
It can’t happen to me, I did everything right. And really, it is very inconvenient… plus this sort of thing only happens to a friend of your neighbor’s friend – and it’s terrible when it does. But it doesn’t happen to you.
The Dr. explains that we will have partial results tomorrow and a complete picture in a few days. I manage to stutter a strangely worded incoherent question which receives the same response I have already heard in the past, ‘it doesn’t look good… it probably isn’t benign…’
I go outside and my man takes my hand. I see his eyes are full but not a single tear dares spill out – I know those eyes…. He mumbles “everything will be ok”, he’s trying to reassure me, but is really talking to himself… he says it again “everything will be ok”, like that is what will make the difference at this point!
We leave the hospital and head straight home. I wait by the car while he pays for the parking and call a friend… she answers …
The tears come streaming out and I try to speak, but I’m chocking. I can’t get a word out… “It’s horrible, I feel like I’m starring in someone else’s horror movie… “. “There are no confirmed results, but it doesn’t look good”. The penny has finally dropped.
It seems I might have cancer. It seems, I might have cancer. It seems… I… might have cancer. Me, cancer, possible. Not a good thing.
It’s not for sure yet; she tries to reassure me, be positive…
Positive???!!!! I might have CANCER!! How can I possibly be positive????!!!!
We drive home.
(Maybe it will pass by the time I get there.)
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